Let it rain

I'm in a strange "funk."

It's been a bad week so far; nothing horribly bad, just a lot of little bads.

I've been battling within myself for days now, and I'm still learning what exactly it is that I'm fighting against. The funny thing? All my usual "weapons" aren't working. What are those things? Writing poetry, it's great reliever for me, and it has taken me four-five days to finally get something out that wasn't straight up awful. Reading my Bible, I was reading the words but not actually listening to them. Writing out my prayers, nothing I said really hit what I was feeling. Reading a good book, nothing felt right.

And then, some out of the ordinary things happened to me yesterday and today and it has made me feel better... So I'm going to make a list. Because I feel like it, and I don't normally make lists, and the not-normal has been helping. So here we go:

1. I walked down the narrow stairs outside of Jesse Hall after work yesterday because my boss suggested it. I love those stairs... they're so... old looking. (And totally sturdy.) I was able to put my hand on the iron railing and just be present in that time... a time that doesn't seem to exist anymore. So, when it gets warmer... I may start making one of those stairwells my writing home, and I am very excited about that endeavor. And I will probably be sad to leave it when summer starts.

2. Bob Olson, one of the guys that works for buildings and grounds (he's also our resident set builder; aka: set god), was working on the stairwell (inside) in Jesse... which is why I had to take the elevator and was then "forced" to take my timeless stairwell outside. When I got to the cafeteria to drop off some tickets for the One Acts, he was in there taking a quick coffee break. I stopped to talk to him a little bit, ribbing him about making me take the elevator. It turned into one of the best conversations ever. After we talked about campus a little, he asked me about how my year was going and how my classes were, and remembered from a previous conversation (like two semesters ago) that I was a creative writing-emphasis English major. And he asked me about grad schools. And he told me about some of the stuff he has worked on... I'm blown away by the man's talent. I don't know how old he is, but he's not a spring chicken and he still talks about how he'll get around to getting his children's books published "someday." I made the comment to him that he is such a busy bee, he probably deserves some time off just to rest. He looked at me and said, "I think it's a sin to waste ones talents." Woah. It hit me between the eyes. How many days do I waste my God-given talents? More than I care to admit. I am thankful for Bob. He's a wonderful man, and if you ever get a chance to talk to him, you Concordians, do it. Please. You'll end up a better person for it.

3. When I left the cafeteria, it had started to rain. A little. Big drops, but not a lot falling. I was worried about my laptop. And then I was thinking about how, if it weren't for my laptop, I would have really enjoyed that walk. Just as I stepped under the awning of the building I was walking to, it started raining a lot heavier. I turned around and looked up at the sky, and I thought, "God, You're awesome, and thank you for not making that happen until I got under the awning." Now, yes, I realize that God probably didn't really care about my laptop just then, and surely it started raining harder on other people who weren't under the awning, so it is flawed thinking to believe that He held off the rain until I was safe...but it was a nice coincidence.

4. I gave one of my professors a hug. She has been a true inspiration to me, and while we are not learning together, we are learning simultaneously what it is to let go of dead weight. (This is part of what I've been fighting against lately, I think.) We've been fighting our elephants. In that embrace, I felt my own burdens lift just a little, and not because words were spoken, but because love was shared. And that can make all the difference. She is a blessing to me, and I thank God that I am able to be in her class. And I look forward to this summer and taking an independent study with her. There will be much writing, some laughing, some crying, and much presence. I am excited to simply be with her reading over my shoulder, so to speak.

5. Talking to a friend I haven't seen in a while at lunch today ended up being one of the most refreshing experiences. We tend to get into these routines, and the routines turn into ruts. I have been eating lunch with approximately the same people for over two months now. I love them. But it was good to break away, hear something new, and laugh. I mean laugh. At something I hadn't already heard five times, or thought about twenty times. It was good, and just what I needed.

Five is a good number, even though it's not technically "round," it's round in my head. Five not-normal things that have made all the difference.

So, let it rain, and let it storm, because I need some nourishment in this twisted heart of mine.

"In a dry and thirsty land, Lord, You are the rain." [Casting Crowns]