It's been a big couple weeks in the heart of this Nebraska-girl.
Last Tuesday there was a phone call with a certain young man that lasted over 50 minutes. This soothed the fraying edges of my hopelessly romantic heart. His general concern for my well-being is comforting. Just yesterday I received a letter from said young man. These pieces of life that we keep sharing...I can't help but wonder at the greater picture. And still I pray that God's Hand sew the pieces into place without my own hand trying to force the pattern.
I also baked and delivered a cake that a new relative had ordered for her birthday. Baking is good for the hands that are itching to do. My hands have been so idle with unemployment that they were thankful for the fun task. Baking is also good for the inner homemaker in me that doesn't have a lot of opportunity to shine just yet.
This Tuesday I had an interview with one of the local elementary schools at 8 am. It had been so long since I turned in an application to the district that I had mostly forgotten about it, and had certainly thought it was a dead end. The interview went very well and I was expecting an answer sometime in the next couple days. Two hours later, I got a phone call from the administration building offering me the paraeducator position. All I could think to say was, "Wow, that was fast," to which the lady on the other end confirmed. With a thankful heart, I accepted the position and am excited to begin working with kids that are struggling with reading and math and other areas. This rejection-sick heart is glad to be accepting an offering, a calling.
When I look back at my past experience I see that God was whispering all along, Just wait, I've been preparing you for something specific. You have to trust Me to show you what you're supposed to be doing. Trust Me. And that trust was incredibly hard, but worth the wait. I've been a Writing Center tutor, I've been an administrative assistant, I've been a teacher's aid, I've been a person who struggled with reading at a young age. All of these things, and so many more, have been shaping me for this moment. God is good.
Wednesday I was able to spend some time with a few of the ladies in the family. We went to get pedicures, something I've never done before. It soothed the worry-weary heart by healing the dry-heat abused feet. There's something to be said for healthy feet--the washing and care-giving is Biblical, after all.
I fell asleep to thunder and lightning Wednesday night, and I slept easy knowing the thirsty ground was getting some much needed moisture. And this morning I was woken by thunder and lightning at 6 am, an hour before my alarm would go off, and I didn't mind at all.
My heart is abundantly thankful for the answers to so many prayers, for my heart was as thirsty as the land, and God is pouring out the rain and grace that we so desperately need. Let it rain.
"For greater things have yet to come, and greater things are still to be done in this City." [Chris Tomlin, God of This City]
Showing posts with label rain. Show all posts
Showing posts with label rain. Show all posts
Saturday, August 4, 2012
Sunday, July 17, 2011
Home sweet home...
Some things that I learned while house sitting:
1. Light bulbs burn out at the most unlikely time. Don't let it throw you off, even if they are unusual sizes.
2. Eventually, toilet bowl seats break. It has nothing to do with you--it just happens. And if you freak out enough and have enough nightmares you're bound to find out that the owner of said toilet broke her gramma's a week earlier. You'll feel better.
3. Cats are strange creatures. They're adorable, but they're strange. Don't let their cute appearance fool you--they play dirty. I've never had so many scratches.
4. Neighbor ladies and lovely, make a point to meet them before the last day of house sitting.
5. If you live in the country and house sit in town over the Fourth of July, don't be alarmed if it sounds like a war just erupted on the front lawn--it's apparently very normal.
6. If a cat is hungry enough in the morning and you're still sleeping he will lick and bite your elbow. And then you're arm. And he'll try to get to your face, but if you're lucky his whiskers will wake you up.
7. Some cats like helping you make the bed.
8. Some cats can open doors--beware.
9. You may think your barky dog is annoying, but you'll miss his cuddling.
10. People in town mow their lawn in columns, they don't go around in circles like you do on a four acre lot. Don't be scared of breaking your pattern.
11. People will come and pray over your house when you're not there, and they'll leave you a little flier telling you that they're praying. It's a nice gesture, but also kind of creepy.
12. The guy that checks the meter will knock on your door at an ungodly hour. He's just doing his job, be nice and try not to look like the living dead.
13. The garbage guy makes a lot of noise, and actually picks up early in the morning--it's not just a myth!
14. It's nice managing your own home. The day-to-day chores are actually enjoyable if you turn the music on loud enough. It's also easier with just one person to care for.
15. Don't forget about the plant. You will kill it in three weeks. You will turn out to be your mother's daughter. You will regret this gene.
16. Thunderstorms are scarier when you only have the cats and no weather alarms (no matter how much you loath that weather alarm, you do feel saver with it).
17. Reading seems to be more difficult to focus on while staying in another person's house...mostly because you can't figure out how to make the tea because you don't know where anything is.
18. Falling asleep on the couch with TVLand playing is incredibly easy. And waking up to "The Nanny" can be jarring.
19. It's harder living in two places in one town than two places across the state from one another.
20. Sing in the shower as loud as you want. There is no one for you to disturb.
"This is home, now I'm finally where I belong."
1. Light bulbs burn out at the most unlikely time. Don't let it throw you off, even if they are unusual sizes.
2. Eventually, toilet bowl seats break. It has nothing to do with you--it just happens. And if you freak out enough and have enough nightmares you're bound to find out that the owner of said toilet broke her gramma's a week earlier. You'll feel better.
3. Cats are strange creatures. They're adorable, but they're strange. Don't let their cute appearance fool you--they play dirty. I've never had so many scratches.
4. Neighbor ladies and lovely, make a point to meet them before the last day of house sitting.
5. If you live in the country and house sit in town over the Fourth of July, don't be alarmed if it sounds like a war just erupted on the front lawn--it's apparently very normal.
6. If a cat is hungry enough in the morning and you're still sleeping he will lick and bite your elbow. And then you're arm. And he'll try to get to your face, but if you're lucky his whiskers will wake you up.
7. Some cats like helping you make the bed.
8. Some cats can open doors--beware.
9. You may think your barky dog is annoying, but you'll miss his cuddling.
10. People in town mow their lawn in columns, they don't go around in circles like you do on a four acre lot. Don't be scared of breaking your pattern.
11. People will come and pray over your house when you're not there, and they'll leave you a little flier telling you that they're praying. It's a nice gesture, but also kind of creepy.
12. The guy that checks the meter will knock on your door at an ungodly hour. He's just doing his job, be nice and try not to look like the living dead.
13. The garbage guy makes a lot of noise, and actually picks up early in the morning--it's not just a myth!
14. It's nice managing your own home. The day-to-day chores are actually enjoyable if you turn the music on loud enough. It's also easier with just one person to care for.
15. Don't forget about the plant. You will kill it in three weeks. You will turn out to be your mother's daughter. You will regret this gene.
16. Thunderstorms are scarier when you only have the cats and no weather alarms (no matter how much you loath that weather alarm, you do feel saver with it).
17. Reading seems to be more difficult to focus on while staying in another person's house...mostly because you can't figure out how to make the tea because you don't know where anything is.
18. Falling asleep on the couch with TVLand playing is incredibly easy. And waking up to "The Nanny" can be jarring.
19. It's harder living in two places in one town than two places across the state from one another.
20. Sing in the shower as loud as you want. There is no one for you to disturb.
"This is home, now I'm finally where I belong."
Sunday, May 22, 2011
I will swim in the deep...
We've had a lot of rain. And not nice rain but destructive rain. There has been hail and tornado warnings. Let's just face it--if the rain is coming down hard enough and fast enough it's just downright scary.
A prime example of this was Friday. I took my brother to school in the hopes that I would have an interview in the afternoon and would need a car. Well, the interview didn't happen (but hopefully this coming week!). And so, 3:30 rolled around and I had to go get him. At about 2 it had started raining pretty hard. I thought for sure it would clear off by 3:15. It didn't. So, I ran out to the car and started driving.
Visibility was minimal. Gravel is no fun when wet--to the point of being covered in water. My cousin later described it as "driving through a swimming pool." And I think that's an accurate description.
You're going to laugh, but when I got in the car and turned the radio on "Blessed Be Your Name" was playing. I laughed a little, and then enjoyed the song. That got me to the highway. Then the song "Manifesto" (it's fairly new) started playing. That got me to the main road I needed. And then I could hardly see, and there were semis. So, I turned the radio off to focus.
I don't like silence. So I started praying out loud. "Papa God, get me to the school and pick Josef up safely. Protect those traveling on this road." Mostly I was scared of hydroplaning, or being hit by someone else who was. Or my engine flooding--I had to drive through some pretty substantial puddles.
After I was done praying, I turned the radio back on. And I started laughing at the song that was playing. God really does have a funny sense of humor. (Not that I think He made this song play on the radio, but it was a hilarious coincidence.) So I sang along. The song was, "Let the Waters Rise" by Mikeschair.
It was wonderful. I made it to school. My brother had to leap a stream to get into the car, but he made it--a bit wet. (And by a bit wet, I mean soaked.) And we made it home. Just as we pulled into the driveway the rain let up. And I laughed some more.
"There's a raging sea right in front of me, wants to pull me in, bring me to my knees. So let the waters rise if You want them to." [Mikeschair]
A prime example of this was Friday. I took my brother to school in the hopes that I would have an interview in the afternoon and would need a car. Well, the interview didn't happen (but hopefully this coming week!). And so, 3:30 rolled around and I had to go get him. At about 2 it had started raining pretty hard. I thought for sure it would clear off by 3:15. It didn't. So, I ran out to the car and started driving.
Visibility was minimal. Gravel is no fun when wet--to the point of being covered in water. My cousin later described it as "driving through a swimming pool." And I think that's an accurate description.
You're going to laugh, but when I got in the car and turned the radio on "Blessed Be Your Name" was playing. I laughed a little, and then enjoyed the song. That got me to the highway. Then the song "Manifesto" (it's fairly new) started playing. That got me to the main road I needed. And then I could hardly see, and there were semis. So, I turned the radio off to focus.
I don't like silence. So I started praying out loud. "Papa God, get me to the school and pick Josef up safely. Protect those traveling on this road." Mostly I was scared of hydroplaning, or being hit by someone else who was. Or my engine flooding--I had to drive through some pretty substantial puddles.
After I was done praying, I turned the radio back on. And I started laughing at the song that was playing. God really does have a funny sense of humor. (Not that I think He made this song play on the radio, but it was a hilarious coincidence.) So I sang along. The song was, "Let the Waters Rise" by Mikeschair.
It was wonderful. I made it to school. My brother had to leap a stream to get into the car, but he made it--a bit wet. (And by a bit wet, I mean soaked.) And we made it home. Just as we pulled into the driveway the rain let up. And I laughed some more.
"There's a raging sea right in front of me, wants to pull me in, bring me to my knees. So let the waters rise if You want them to." [Mikeschair]
Saturday, March 26, 2011
I'm not into the idea of me without you...
Today was a weird one.... In a good way. I guess. It's hard to explain, but I'm going to try.
I was a "victim" in the emergency response test that my college town had today. Actually, it happened on campus, so I guess it was just the college...but everyone else was there too, like the ambulances and firefighters and yeah...everyone.
When I got to the campus center at 8:30 this morning, they gave all 17 of us victims a tag. Mine said that I had no breath sounds on my left side, was making gurgling noises, was confused, and was reluctant to follow instructions. So they made me really pale (as if I wasn't pale already) and gave me some blood splatters around my mouth... and later sprayed me with this water and glycerin mixture to make me look sweaty. One of my favorite moments of the day was going out to the bathroom to check out how I looked. (Some people had huge gashes into their foreheads and some had burns, ect.) While I was walking, a boy scout looked at me and asked, "Woah, did you get punched?" No, and I laughed. Then he turned to one of his fellow scouts and said, "Man, I should have brought my first aid kit!" I laughed then, but now I hope that someday he carries that enthusiasm for helping people (sort of?) into his life. Maybe he'll be a doctor someday.
Then the put us in our places, I was sitting against a wall. The first responders were boy scouts, I think that mine was terrified of me. He kept saying that everything was going to be okay, quietly, and scooting back. He may have been whiter than I was, but I can't be sure. I wanted to reassure him, but I couldn't. I talked to several boy scouts actually. I was one of the only people in my area talking/able to talk. So, because I was supposed to be confused, and the gurgling was not pleasant, I kept asking if other people were okay. It was kind of silly, because I knew what everyone's injuries were, basically. I knew Dottie was actually dead. I knew that Alicia would be okay.
One of the older scouts came over to check on me when he realized the 12 year old wasn't doing much talking to try and keep me calm. He told me to take a deep breath and count the ceiling tiles... first of all, I had told him I couldn't breathe well, that was on the card. Anyways. I told him I didn't like counting, I wasn't a math major. ha. I was just being difficult. And now, a moment of reflection. How many times has God "checked on me" and said to me, "Anna, be still, and know that I am here. Count the tiles while I take care of you. Be calm." And I said, "God, I don't like being still, I don't like being calm. And dang it, I don't like counting!" Had I actually counted the tiles, I would have probably felt better.
That scout must have gone and got another one to sit with me. This new one, Evan, sat with me for quite a while. He was 17, going to get his Eagle Scout hopefully, so I told him that my brother was his age and getting his Eagle. If I hadn't been a victim I probably would have actually enjoyed that conversation. The weird thing? He had a beard. A legit beard. How does that happen to a 17 year old? I guess my brother is just particularly baby faced... hm. Needless to say, I thought Evan was older than he was. He was actually a comfort... Because he didn't look terrified. And when I asked him if the other scout was his boss, I think I heard laughter in his voice when he told me, "No, he just knows more about what is going on." I wanted to laugh. But I couldn't break character.
At about the same time, one of the ladies from Noah's Rescue, the crisis dog center, came up to me with her dog Bella. She stayed with me for the remainder of my time on the floor. She kept me distracted, and it was actually hard for me to be stressed out when that dog was there, she was so calming. I saw them loading Dottie up onto a gurney, and I don't know if I screamed or just yelled, but I know I said, "I think she's dead! Oh my God, she's dead!" And I actually cried. I wasn't expecting it, but it happened. And those tears felt good. I cried while Darcy, Bella's handler, stroked my hair and told me everything was going to be okay. I know she was talking about the scenario, but I felt it resonate deep within. As I cried and felt God whispering to my soul, "I told you I would take care of you, didn't you believe me? It's okay to cry, I'm picking up the pieces." I was finally able to act the way I had been feeling inside for the past couple weeks, confused and finding it hard to breathe.
Finally, after about twenty minutes of me waiting after the medical personal arrived (so probably 40 minutes after the drill started) a firefighter woman approached me and asked me what was wrong. I told her I was having a hard time breathing. So she checked my tag and had me lie down without moving my neck or head, I think she assumed a spinal injury, and I was definitely thinking a broken rib had punctured my lung...but whatever, they have to keep all the bases covered. I was still crying a little when she had me laying on the floor. And I heard her get up and tell one of the other firefighters that I was in critical condition and needed to be on the next ambulance. My first thought was, I have been here for forty minutes. If this were real, I would probably already be dead, drowned from my own blood in my lungs. And they spent forever on Dottie, someone who was already dead... I did find out later that they resuscitated her, so that's good.
It's funny, I don't know if this is normal, but when you get that into acting, you actually start to feel the way you're acting. I could feel my breathing changing, and when Bella showed up I could feel it leveling back out. They did finally get loaded up on a gurney and taken out to an ambulance.
When we got outside, it was still snowing. I was laying on my back and it was snowing on my face. It was a new experience. And it was beautiful. If I hadn't been terrified of them dropping me, I probably would have enjoyed that moment. I ask/tell my firefighter "Is it snowing? It's beautiful..." I also told him several times not to drop me. I do that to God, too. "Don't drop me, Lord. I'm scared of falling." And He tells me, "I would never drop you. Look at this snow. I made it to make you calm. You asked for the rain, and I gave you something far more beautiful."
And then I got to the hospital and it was all good. I know, lame ending. But the test wasn't about the doctors being competent but about the system working. Bella and Darcy stayed with me all the way to the hospital. I loved them both for that.
The moral of this story? I was able to throw myself into this acting job, my first ever. And I was able to release a lot of emotions that I have been bottling up for a long time. And it was good. I got back to my room and slept. Purging and refreshing. Thank you, God.
"In the depth of winter I finally learned that within me there lay an invincible summer." (unknown)
I was a "victim" in the emergency response test that my college town had today. Actually, it happened on campus, so I guess it was just the college...but everyone else was there too, like the ambulances and firefighters and yeah...everyone.
When I got to the campus center at 8:30 this morning, they gave all 17 of us victims a tag. Mine said that I had no breath sounds on my left side, was making gurgling noises, was confused, and was reluctant to follow instructions. So they made me really pale (as if I wasn't pale already) and gave me some blood splatters around my mouth... and later sprayed me with this water and glycerin mixture to make me look sweaty. One of my favorite moments of the day was going out to the bathroom to check out how I looked. (Some people had huge gashes into their foreheads and some had burns, ect.) While I was walking, a boy scout looked at me and asked, "Woah, did you get punched?" No, and I laughed. Then he turned to one of his fellow scouts and said, "Man, I should have brought my first aid kit!" I laughed then, but now I hope that someday he carries that enthusiasm for helping people (sort of?) into his life. Maybe he'll be a doctor someday.
Then the put us in our places, I was sitting against a wall. The first responders were boy scouts, I think that mine was terrified of me. He kept saying that everything was going to be okay, quietly, and scooting back. He may have been whiter than I was, but I can't be sure. I wanted to reassure him, but I couldn't. I talked to several boy scouts actually. I was one of the only people in my area talking/able to talk. So, because I was supposed to be confused, and the gurgling was not pleasant, I kept asking if other people were okay. It was kind of silly, because I knew what everyone's injuries were, basically. I knew Dottie was actually dead. I knew that Alicia would be okay.
One of the older scouts came over to check on me when he realized the 12 year old wasn't doing much talking to try and keep me calm. He told me to take a deep breath and count the ceiling tiles... first of all, I had told him I couldn't breathe well, that was on the card. Anyways. I told him I didn't like counting, I wasn't a math major. ha. I was just being difficult. And now, a moment of reflection. How many times has God "checked on me" and said to me, "Anna, be still, and know that I am here. Count the tiles while I take care of you. Be calm." And I said, "God, I don't like being still, I don't like being calm. And dang it, I don't like counting!" Had I actually counted the tiles, I would have probably felt better.
That scout must have gone and got another one to sit with me. This new one, Evan, sat with me for quite a while. He was 17, going to get his Eagle Scout hopefully, so I told him that my brother was his age and getting his Eagle. If I hadn't been a victim I probably would have actually enjoyed that conversation. The weird thing? He had a beard. A legit beard. How does that happen to a 17 year old? I guess my brother is just particularly baby faced... hm. Needless to say, I thought Evan was older than he was. He was actually a comfort... Because he didn't look terrified. And when I asked him if the other scout was his boss, I think I heard laughter in his voice when he told me, "No, he just knows more about what is going on." I wanted to laugh. But I couldn't break character.
At about the same time, one of the ladies from Noah's Rescue, the crisis dog center, came up to me with her dog Bella. She stayed with me for the remainder of my time on the floor. She kept me distracted, and it was actually hard for me to be stressed out when that dog was there, she was so calming. I saw them loading Dottie up onto a gurney, and I don't know if I screamed or just yelled, but I know I said, "I think she's dead! Oh my God, she's dead!" And I actually cried. I wasn't expecting it, but it happened. And those tears felt good. I cried while Darcy, Bella's handler, stroked my hair and told me everything was going to be okay. I know she was talking about the scenario, but I felt it resonate deep within. As I cried and felt God whispering to my soul, "I told you I would take care of you, didn't you believe me? It's okay to cry, I'm picking up the pieces." I was finally able to act the way I had been feeling inside for the past couple weeks, confused and finding it hard to breathe.
Finally, after about twenty minutes of me waiting after the medical personal arrived (so probably 40 minutes after the drill started) a firefighter woman approached me and asked me what was wrong. I told her I was having a hard time breathing. So she checked my tag and had me lie down without moving my neck or head, I think she assumed a spinal injury, and I was definitely thinking a broken rib had punctured my lung...but whatever, they have to keep all the bases covered. I was still crying a little when she had me laying on the floor. And I heard her get up and tell one of the other firefighters that I was in critical condition and needed to be on the next ambulance. My first thought was, I have been here for forty minutes. If this were real, I would probably already be dead, drowned from my own blood in my lungs. And they spent forever on Dottie, someone who was already dead... I did find out later that they resuscitated her, so that's good.
It's funny, I don't know if this is normal, but when you get that into acting, you actually start to feel the way you're acting. I could feel my breathing changing, and when Bella showed up I could feel it leveling back out. They did finally get loaded up on a gurney and taken out to an ambulance.
When we got outside, it was still snowing. I was laying on my back and it was snowing on my face. It was a new experience. And it was beautiful. If I hadn't been terrified of them dropping me, I probably would have enjoyed that moment. I ask/tell my firefighter "Is it snowing? It's beautiful..." I also told him several times not to drop me. I do that to God, too. "Don't drop me, Lord. I'm scared of falling." And He tells me, "I would never drop you. Look at this snow. I made it to make you calm. You asked for the rain, and I gave you something far more beautiful."
And then I got to the hospital and it was all good. I know, lame ending. But the test wasn't about the doctors being competent but about the system working. Bella and Darcy stayed with me all the way to the hospital. I loved them both for that.
The moral of this story? I was able to throw myself into this acting job, my first ever. And I was able to release a lot of emotions that I have been bottling up for a long time. And it was good. I got back to my room and slept. Purging and refreshing. Thank you, God.
"In the depth of winter I finally learned that within me there lay an invincible summer." (unknown)
Wednesday, March 23, 2011
Let it rain
I'm in a strange "funk."
It's been a bad week so far; nothing horribly bad, just a lot of little bads.
I've been battling within myself for days now, and I'm still learning what exactly it is that I'm fighting against. The funny thing? All my usual "weapons" aren't working. What are those things? Writing poetry, it's great reliever for me, and it has taken me four-five days to finally get something out that wasn't straight up awful. Reading my Bible, I was reading the words but not actually listening to them. Writing out my prayers, nothing I said really hit what I was feeling. Reading a good book, nothing felt right.
And then, some out of the ordinary things happened to me yesterday and today and it has made me feel better... So I'm going to make a list. Because I feel like it, and I don't normally make lists, and the not-normal has been helping. So here we go:
1. I walked down the narrow stairs outside of Jesse Hall after work yesterday because my boss suggested it. I love those stairs... they're so... old looking. (And totally sturdy.) I was able to put my hand on the iron railing and just be present in that time... a time that doesn't seem to exist anymore. So, when it gets warmer... I may start making one of those stairwells my writing home, and I am very excited about that endeavor. And I will probably be sad to leave it when summer starts.
2. Bob Olson, one of the guys that works for buildings and grounds (he's also our resident set builder; aka: set god), was working on the stairwell (inside) in Jesse... which is why I had to take the elevator and was then "forced" to take my timeless stairwell outside. When I got to the cafeteria to drop off some tickets for the One Acts, he was in there taking a quick coffee break. I stopped to talk to him a little bit, ribbing him about making me take the elevator. It turned into one of the best conversations ever. After we talked about campus a little, he asked me about how my year was going and how my classes were, and remembered from a previous conversation (like two semesters ago) that I was a creative writing-emphasis English major. And he asked me about grad schools. And he told me about some of the stuff he has worked on... I'm blown away by the man's talent. I don't know how old he is, but he's not a spring chicken and he still talks about how he'll get around to getting his children's books published "someday." I made the comment to him that he is such a busy bee, he probably deserves some time off just to rest. He looked at me and said, "I think it's a sin to waste ones talents." Woah. It hit me between the eyes. How many days do I waste my God-given talents? More than I care to admit. I am thankful for Bob. He's a wonderful man, and if you ever get a chance to talk to him, you Concordians, do it. Please. You'll end up a better person for it.
3. When I left the cafeteria, it had started to rain. A little. Big drops, but not a lot falling. I was worried about my laptop. And then I was thinking about how, if it weren't for my laptop, I would have really enjoyed that walk. Just as I stepped under the awning of the building I was walking to, it started raining a lot heavier. I turned around and looked up at the sky, and I thought, "God, You're awesome, and thank you for not making that happen until I got under the awning." Now, yes, I realize that God probably didn't really care about my laptop just then, and surely it started raining harder on other people who weren't under the awning, so it is flawed thinking to believe that He held off the rain until I was safe...but it was a nice coincidence.
4. I gave one of my professors a hug. She has been a true inspiration to me, and while we are not learning together, we are learning simultaneously what it is to let go of dead weight. (This is part of what I've been fighting against lately, I think.) We've been fighting our elephants. In that embrace, I felt my own burdens lift just a little, and not because words were spoken, but because love was shared. And that can make all the difference. She is a blessing to me, and I thank God that I am able to be in her class. And I look forward to this summer and taking an independent study with her. There will be much writing, some laughing, some crying, and much presence. I am excited to simply be with her reading over my shoulder, so to speak.
5. Talking to a friend I haven't seen in a while at lunch today ended up being one of the most refreshing experiences. We tend to get into these routines, and the routines turn into ruts. I have been eating lunch with approximately the same people for over two months now. I love them. But it was good to break away, hear something new, and laugh. I mean laugh. At something I hadn't already heard five times, or thought about twenty times. It was good, and just what I needed.
Five is a good number, even though it's not technically "round," it's round in my head. Five not-normal things that have made all the difference.
So, let it rain, and let it storm, because I need some nourishment in this twisted heart of mine.
"In a dry and thirsty land, Lord, You are the rain." [Casting Crowns]
It's been a bad week so far; nothing horribly bad, just a lot of little bads.
I've been battling within myself for days now, and I'm still learning what exactly it is that I'm fighting against. The funny thing? All my usual "weapons" aren't working. What are those things? Writing poetry, it's great reliever for me, and it has taken me four-five days to finally get something out that wasn't straight up awful. Reading my Bible, I was reading the words but not actually listening to them. Writing out my prayers, nothing I said really hit what I was feeling. Reading a good book, nothing felt right.
And then, some out of the ordinary things happened to me yesterday and today and it has made me feel better... So I'm going to make a list. Because I feel like it, and I don't normally make lists, and the not-normal has been helping. So here we go:
1. I walked down the narrow stairs outside of Jesse Hall after work yesterday because my boss suggested it. I love those stairs... they're so... old looking. (And totally sturdy.) I was able to put my hand on the iron railing and just be present in that time... a time that doesn't seem to exist anymore. So, when it gets warmer... I may start making one of those stairwells my writing home, and I am very excited about that endeavor. And I will probably be sad to leave it when summer starts.
2. Bob Olson, one of the guys that works for buildings and grounds (he's also our resident set builder; aka: set god), was working on the stairwell (inside) in Jesse... which is why I had to take the elevator and was then "forced" to take my timeless stairwell outside. When I got to the cafeteria to drop off some tickets for the One Acts, he was in there taking a quick coffee break. I stopped to talk to him a little bit, ribbing him about making me take the elevator. It turned into one of the best conversations ever. After we talked about campus a little, he asked me about how my year was going and how my classes were, and remembered from a previous conversation (like two semesters ago) that I was a creative writing-emphasis English major. And he asked me about grad schools. And he told me about some of the stuff he has worked on... I'm blown away by the man's talent. I don't know how old he is, but he's not a spring chicken and he still talks about how he'll get around to getting his children's books published "someday." I made the comment to him that he is such a busy bee, he probably deserves some time off just to rest. He looked at me and said, "I think it's a sin to waste ones talents." Woah. It hit me between the eyes. How many days do I waste my God-given talents? More than I care to admit. I am thankful for Bob. He's a wonderful man, and if you ever get a chance to talk to him, you Concordians, do it. Please. You'll end up a better person for it.
3. When I left the cafeteria, it had started to rain. A little. Big drops, but not a lot falling. I was worried about my laptop. And then I was thinking about how, if it weren't for my laptop, I would have really enjoyed that walk. Just as I stepped under the awning of the building I was walking to, it started raining a lot heavier. I turned around and looked up at the sky, and I thought, "God, You're awesome, and thank you for not making that happen until I got under the awning." Now, yes, I realize that God probably didn't really care about my laptop just then, and surely it started raining harder on other people who weren't under the awning, so it is flawed thinking to believe that He held off the rain until I was safe...but it was a nice coincidence.
4. I gave one of my professors a hug. She has been a true inspiration to me, and while we are not learning together, we are learning simultaneously what it is to let go of dead weight. (This is part of what I've been fighting against lately, I think.) We've been fighting our elephants. In that embrace, I felt my own burdens lift just a little, and not because words were spoken, but because love was shared. And that can make all the difference. She is a blessing to me, and I thank God that I am able to be in her class. And I look forward to this summer and taking an independent study with her. There will be much writing, some laughing, some crying, and much presence. I am excited to simply be with her reading over my shoulder, so to speak.
5. Talking to a friend I haven't seen in a while at lunch today ended up being one of the most refreshing experiences. We tend to get into these routines, and the routines turn into ruts. I have been eating lunch with approximately the same people for over two months now. I love them. But it was good to break away, hear something new, and laugh. I mean laugh. At something I hadn't already heard five times, or thought about twenty times. It was good, and just what I needed.
Five is a good number, even though it's not technically "round," it's round in my head. Five not-normal things that have made all the difference.
So, let it rain, and let it storm, because I need some nourishment in this twisted heart of mine.
"In a dry and thirsty land, Lord, You are the rain." [Casting Crowns]
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