Like butter scraped over too much bread...

What am I doing tonight?

On the floor, on my stomach, typing away at Morning Star -- there's an engagement! I'm excited that such an emotional scene last night could evolve into something so expected, but not at that moment. It's all about timing. I'm sipping coffee, writing, and yes, half watching Magnum PI.

And you know what? I have a headache. Normally I'm pretty decent at multitasking, but I'm not tonight. My brain isn't keeping up with what I want to be doing. Part of that is from lack of sleep--I was up rather late last night, writing. The night is still young though, and so I'm looking for ways to keep myself awake. (Hence the decaf coffee. I know, it's decaf, but it's hot.)

I started a new workout program this week, and I'm really excited about it. But it's way more intense than what I had been doing, and so I'm a little sore in the shoulders. And I've been having chronic stomach pain every evening. (Just a general ickyness.)

Then there's the upcoming GRE. That's got me more than just a little stressed out. Last night, a friend reminded me that not all colleges care about this test. In fact, the school I'm most interested in said that it wasn't a requirement, but what recommended. Why am I taking it then? Hopefully I'll do well on it. I need to study. I mean, I really need to buckle down and study. There are so many other things that occupy my mind though... I know that while I'm testing I'll start thinking about Elves and Fantasy worlds... but I should study anyway, and put forth a strong effort.

I also didn't get a letter in the mail on time today. And that upsets me. When did I start slacking with putting letters in the mailbox? That's not even the worst of it, I have letters backed up waiting for responses from the end of June. I should do that. I really should, and I know I should. So why haven't I?

There are pictures that need to be taken. I need to get my Etsy account all squared away with product pictures. Maybe my cousin will be a bag model for me...I'll have to call her sometime soon.

And now I am indescribably thankful that I did not get a job this summer.

Nerd factor of the night: I'm drinking coffee from a Lord of the Rings mug...that I designed. It's pretty sweet, not going to lie.

"You don't even have to talk about what you're talking about. If you know what I mean." [Magnum PI]

Proud to be an American...

Sometimes I hate Facebook. It can be a great tool to communicate and organize group events, but generally it's just a nuisance. Especially lately. Part of that is because it is so good at distracting me from writing my final papers. (Which is a personal problem, and I don't blame Facebook, it just proves I have a weak will.)

Last night, however, it nearly made me sick.

I was driving back to college with a friend after going to a concert in my home town--which is what I was planning on blogging about, but won't for now--when she said, "My sister just texted me, Osama bin Laden is dead. We won the war."

My first reaction? "Well... I'm glad we caught the man, but I don't think that his death will necessarily mark the end of the war, it will certainly be a turning point of sorts."

And then I didn't really think about it until I got back to my room and checked my Facebook. I wish I hadn't. It was riddled with three different kinds of reactions, here are the paraphrases:

"Yeah! Osama's dead! AMERICA!"

"Are we celebrating? Really? What's wrong with our country."

"I don't really know how to feel..."

Now, I take a deep breath before I jumped into the rest of this blog because I know that I am bound to offend someone--such is the way of America.

If you don't like rants, stop reading here. I will try to keep it fairly contained.

I will admit, I was relieved to hear that he was dead. Some of my thoughts included, but were not limited to: Maybe some of my friends that have been serving to keep us safe will be able to come home sooner now. Maybe some of the movement of the terrorist groups with be slowed--though I'm sure another leader will take his place. Maybe Americans can finally stand united again.

I guess I can't count on the last one.

The comments on Facebook that bothered me the most? The ones that railed on those that were excited about bin Laden's death. The ones that had this holier-than-thou attitude because they had overcome the human reaction and decided to "love." Last I checked, calling all of the other Facebook users "inhumane" isn't loving. And what kind of image does that promote to the non-Christians? "You're celebrating? You heathens. We should have shown mercy."

Have we forgotten where this all began? Sometimes I wonder if America remember the 9-11-01 attacks. I wonder if they remember how united we were right after that tragedy. I'm sure no one thought this war would go on for close to 10 years, but I wonder if we remember this attacked came from a deep-rooted hate for Christians?

Now, we could have put bin Laden to trial I suppose, but it still would have ended with a death sentence, I'm sure.

It just kills me that it's a lot of the same people that wanted the war to end that are condemning those that see this as the light at the end of the tunnel.

It makes me wonder how people reacted to the death of Hitler. In my mind, bin Laden is the Hitler of my generation. Granted, Hitler took his own life, but I'm sure there was celebration state-side. If there had been Facebook would I have had to sift through the same kind of messages I did last night?

Now, should we rejoice in another's death? Probably not. But I understand the celebration. And a part of me joins in on the "party." I do think justice has been served. I am glad that another Hitler has been removed.

I respect the most those that say they don't know how to feel. "Torn between two kingdoms," as one of my friends put it.

Do I think it's appropriate to say things like, "Burn in Hell?" No. Of course not. Frankly, if we said that every time a sinner died, we would be saying it all the time--every time. (Thank God that with Christ we are forgiven.)

So, I say, "Thanks to our troops for keeping us safe, even when Americans doesn't seem to appreciate your sacrifice for our freedom. Thanks be to God for being a just God. And God bless America, because there are Christians here, and God bless the Middle East, because there are Christians there too. Let His kingdom come, His will be done. May the Christians be able to unite and help restore those that are in need. And please, America, stop trying to destroy yourself from the inside."

If my eyes, wide open, fail to see...

April 3rd. Well, today marks the beginning of the next decade of my life. It feels like the last one took forever. Being a teen is hard work, you know?

It's funny, we all have our birthdays in a months time. Josef is first. Then Dad, who is now 51, and apparently feeling quite old. And Mom and I today... Mom's only a year from 50. And I'm 20.

Before my parents went to be tonight, Dad came out to where I was working on some homework. He wanted to know if I would turn off the lights when I went to bed. He was massaging my shoulders and then told me that I had already received a lot of birthday wishes on Facebook. I looked up at him and said, "I'm not a teenager anymore, Daddy."

"I know, you're getting old!"

Can we be old together? I have all the creaky joints, and I'm reading a book about grammar, for goodness sake. I get grumpy when I see girls in my brother's class wearing short skirts on stage. (Really? Didn't anyone teach you about costuming? And if you're whiter than I am...well...keep your legs covered, girl.) I hate people who text during theatre performances.....yeah.


It hit me today, that I have already known my daddy longer than he knew his dad. And that is a disturbing thought for me. I was sitting at a music rally...and I almost started to cry. And then my mom called. Twice. I thought for sure Dad had had a heart attack and she needed help. How horrible is it that my first thought after getting two calls was that my dad was in serious danger? Turns out she just wanted to know if I wanted to go get food with them.

It's funny, growing up you feel like your parents are invincible. Nothing could ever tear them down, they are the rocks on which you build your life until you're sturdy enough to stand on your own and be someone else's rock. This year has shattered that illusion for me. My mom is having some of the worst medical issues she has ever had to face...and Dad is just tired. More tired than I ever remember seeing him. I don't remember him being this tired when he would only sleep a couple hours a night because he would stay up making whistles.

When Mom told me good night, I told her, "Now you can be old, too!" And I meant that I was old...but she definitely thought I meant that she and Dad were old.

And they are, I guess. But I'm getting "old" too. A fifth of a century... just four more to go.

So, here's to more creaky joints. (Seriously, you should hear me climb stairs if you haven't already.)

"And your thoughts all break my heart, because there's a chapter left to write. ... Won't you run, fly, open up your lungs tonight. Breathe freedom for the first time in your life. ... He's not through with you yet." [Building 429]

Not the beard!

So, I'm home for Spring Break this week. And for the first half of it my daddy has to go on a business trip. Bummer deal, right? Yeah, I thought so too.

Well, about twenty minutes ago, he comes out to the kitchen with the clippers (the box set). Mom normally cuts his hair, but with her arm problem she is in no condition to do it right now. She was going to suffer through it though. Until I caught on to the silly business!

We had talked about me doing it last time I was home. Granted, last time I wasn't sick.

Dad hasn't been getting near me, for fear of "contamination." But, after some convincing (which involved me tying a tea towel around my face so I couldn't breathe on him and thickly applied Germ-X) he let me do the job.

It turned out pretty well. I also helped get rid of some of the peach fuzz on the back of his neck. I was feeling to make sure I got it all and decided that: "this is in beard jurisdiction." That got a laugh. He told me anything around his jawline he could get himself.

As a kid, you never think you'll cut your parent's hair. It was kind of a weird feeling. It made me think of the time Mom was gone and Dad had to put my hair in a pony tail for me. I could tell he felt like a fish out of water. He started out using my comb (which I never use) and then decided that his own soft wire brush would do better. It turned out to be a low pony tail. I will never forget that day, sitting on a chair in the middle of the kitchen, Daddy running his fingers through my little girl hair. And today, Daddy sitting in the middle of the kitchen on a chair while I ran my fingers through his feathery "old man" hair.

"Catching butterfly kisses at night."

Dark have been my dreams of late...

What happens when you have influenza? You sleep a lot.
What happens when you have a fever? You have feverish dreams. Yes. That's where I've been.

Well, this is me wanting to share the dream I had Friday night. It might require a little backstory.

Backstory: I have a "friend" named Mike. Now, I say "friend" because I'm not entirely sure what we are. We sat next to each other in Modern Poetry last semester... and we talked in class. He didn't live on campus though, so I never saw him at meals or outside of class. I wish I had. At the end of last semester he kind of disappeared... I haven't seen him since probably the first week in December. Yeah. I've been a little worried, but I don't have any way to getting a hold of him. Mike is an agnostic/atheist. I never even tried to talk to him about my faith. Yeah. So after Dare 2 Share I was feeling pretty lame about that, and started praying that I would at least get a chance to talk to him again. We'll see if that ever happens. I hope it does.

Okay. I think that's enough backstory. If I think of anything else I'll put it in parentheses. On to the dream.

Dream: My family and I were in Iowa visiting my mom's family. Only, this wasn't the small town in Iowa that I was familiar with, it was most of a suburb. And there was snow. Lots of it. Actually, it kind of reminds me of a suburb in Omaha. Anyways...

We got to this house where my Grandparents were with my cousin and her family (all four kiddos). It was kind of disturbing because Lily, the second oldest who's four, had really short baby-fuzz hair. (In real life she has super long and beautiful blonde hair.) I never did find out what the deal was with that. The newest edition, Jordyn, sure was a beautiful baby though. It made me really want to see her.

Before we even had a chance to get all of our stuff into the house my grandpa announced that he invited Mike to join us at the bowling alley. And almost immediately, Mike walked through the door. (I had once told a friend that if I ever saw him again I may just become overcome by whatever girly emotion I was feeling and just hug him because he was okay.) I didn't jump him right away. At first, I felt incredibly awkward and I was trying to get stuff all squared away. So he was standing in the hallway talking to my family.

Eventually, I did return to the hall and get that hug... which was weird. Because we did this thing where we were still hugging but walking down the hallway to the kitchen, kind of like dancing. My dad was following us, so I laughed and I whispered in Mike's ear that Dad was following. Mike promptly let me go and walked back down the hall. Yeah. Weird. He still hasn't said a word to me at this point.

And then it was suddenly time to go to the bowling alley, apparently, because I was the only one left in the house. I grabbed my coat and purse, and by the time I got outside all the cars were gone. I couldn't even find my car. And then my brother was running towards me on the sidewalk saying, "Anna, we've gotta go!" I said, "I can't find my car! I don't know where it went. I'm the only one with a key, where could it have gone?" Mom and Dad drove up to get us then, so I told them about my car. Mom's response was, "It's probably just blending in with the snow, it is white after all." I think I raised an eyebrow at her and then realized that they were driving my car. I don't know how... Dad's got mad skills.

So we got to this bowling alley, and as it turns out we're celebrating a birthday, I don't know whose. I end up sitting in the lobby with Lily on my lap, Mike is nowhere to be found, not that I had looked particularly hard. He came out of the actually alley and said, "I gonna head out." My grandpa just told him it was good to see him again. I almost had a panic attack.

"Mike! Wait, we haven't even gotten a chance to talk!" I tried to set Lily down on the floor, but she grabbed my ankle. "Mike, wait!" I finally got her to let me go, and ran outside after him.

I got into his truck with him, and he immediately started driving away (!!!) and started saying, "What are we evening doing here? We don't like bowling."

"Well, I like bowling. Wait...we?"

"And the Lord of the Rings. We don't even like those movies."

"What are you talking about? I love those movies. Why do you keep calling us, 'we?'"

"Can we go rent some Stargate?"

"Why would we do that? I own most of it...you like Stargate?" I knew by then that he wasn't going to answer any of my questions.

"I don't even know why I'm here."

"What do you mean "here?" Do you mean, like, in Iowa, or the bowling alley?"

"I mean, here, on this earth and here, in Iowa." He then went on to talk about reinjuring his foot and getting into the karaoke business. Which is apparently how he knew my grandpa.

"Mike, I know why you're here--"

And then I woke up. Yeah. Lame. I was going to tell him that he was there because I had prayed for a second chance with him... and I didn't even get that. sigh


"Then I was weary, very weary; and I walked long in dark thought." [Gandalf, Two Towers]