If my eyes, wide open, fail to see...

April 3rd. Well, today marks the beginning of the next decade of my life. It feels like the last one took forever. Being a teen is hard work, you know?

It's funny, we all have our birthdays in a months time. Josef is first. Then Dad, who is now 51, and apparently feeling quite old. And Mom and I today... Mom's only a year from 50. And I'm 20.

Before my parents went to be tonight, Dad came out to where I was working on some homework. He wanted to know if I would turn off the lights when I went to bed. He was massaging my shoulders and then told me that I had already received a lot of birthday wishes on Facebook. I looked up at him and said, "I'm not a teenager anymore, Daddy."

"I know, you're getting old!"

Can we be old together? I have all the creaky joints, and I'm reading a book about grammar, for goodness sake. I get grumpy when I see girls in my brother's class wearing short skirts on stage. (Really? Didn't anyone teach you about costuming? And if you're whiter than I am...well...keep your legs covered, girl.) I hate people who text during theatre performances.....yeah.


It hit me today, that I have already known my daddy longer than he knew his dad. And that is a disturbing thought for me. I was sitting at a music rally...and I almost started to cry. And then my mom called. Twice. I thought for sure Dad had had a heart attack and she needed help. How horrible is it that my first thought after getting two calls was that my dad was in serious danger? Turns out she just wanted to know if I wanted to go get food with them.

It's funny, growing up you feel like your parents are invincible. Nothing could ever tear them down, they are the rocks on which you build your life until you're sturdy enough to stand on your own and be someone else's rock. This year has shattered that illusion for me. My mom is having some of the worst medical issues she has ever had to face...and Dad is just tired. More tired than I ever remember seeing him. I don't remember him being this tired when he would only sleep a couple hours a night because he would stay up making whistles.

When Mom told me good night, I told her, "Now you can be old, too!" And I meant that I was old...but she definitely thought I meant that she and Dad were old.

And they are, I guess. But I'm getting "old" too. A fifth of a century... just four more to go.

So, here's to more creaky joints. (Seriously, you should hear me climb stairs if you haven't already.)

"And your thoughts all break my heart, because there's a chapter left to write. ... Won't you run, fly, open up your lungs tonight. Breathe freedom for the first time in your life. ... He's not through with you yet." [Building 429]

I have things to do...

And when I say that, I fidget nervously with the ring on my right hand. Sometimes I'll take it off and fiddle with it. Yes, I have a Bilbo issue. Fortunately, my ring does not do any special magic tricks. Even though, when I'm really stressed out, sometimes I wish I could just disappear and go kick it with Elrond...or Aragorn...yeah, I would kick it with Aragorn any day of the week.

The irony? I'm taking an independent study on The Lord of the Rings and if you've been reading my blog for very long, you probably already got that impression, I may have even mentioned it. So part of what's adding to my stress is that I need, no, I have to read the books. No biggie, I love reading. And then you add to that the other two lit classes. I have things to do!

Now, part of the beauty of this independent study is that I get to write about themes of hope versus despair for a theology conference, and my primary text is The Lord of the Rings. So I get to submerge myself in the land of Middle Earth. And all I have to ask is, "Where in the world did March go?"

April is a pretty awesome month, I mean, it's birthday central for my family! But then, so is March. And April also marks the last month before school is out...before finals week. yikes. It should be a happy thing, right? And it is...but good grief, I need to finish chillin' out with Free Folk of Middle Earth! And that needs to happen before April 9, really. That's next weekend. Woah. This is where I pass out, and try to plead mental illness for taking on so much this semester.


I also have presentations galore in the next few days.

All that to say, I may not be blogging as much in April. I mean, I would love to be blogging, but I need to have some self control so I can get things done. I should be popping in once and again, hopefully.

And so, I slip the Ring on my finger, and I disappear! (but not really, because this is my metaphorical Rivendel.)

"'I pass the test,' she said. 'I will diminish, and go into the West, and remain Galadriel.'" [Galadriel]