Komm, Herr Jesu, sei Du unser Gast

I remember the day Daddy came into the kitchen when I was maybe five years old. There is fuzz around the edges of the memory, but it's there--standing out proudly as one of landmarks in my childhood, a moment that would change the way I prayed every day. It was lunch time and Mommy had set the table when Daddy came to take his seat. He folded his hands and said, "We're going to learn a new prayer today." Gently, patiently, he taught his small children how to say The Common Table Prayer in German. A tradition that would shape every meal to come.

The only time I didn't utter the words vocally in the following years was when we would eat at other people's homes and school cafeterias. But always with my family it was those words that had become an integral part of home. If home is where the heart is, then my home is laced with German prayers.

College was a place where you prayed silently before each meal--words internalized, but no less real. One of the things I would miss most from Pfeifenhof (the name of our home, meaning whistle home) was the fellowship in praying simultaneously in German with three other people. Each time summer would roll around I would become eager to sit around the table and offer up blessings.

I did not expect to feel Home during Dead Week and Finals Weeks my last semester of school. There it was though, amongst everything I had never dreamed of.

We sat, two nervous individuals, at a public restaurant with steaming food before us. I hadn't thought of the prayer in my preparations for the meal, but there it was when he asked,

"Do you pray before you eat?"  

Yes.

"Is the Common Table Prayer okay? That's what we normally do."  

Yes, you go ahead and pray, we normally say it in German, so I'll just listen. I don't know what made me say that, normally I just go with the flow.

"Oh, you mean, Komm, Herr Jesu, sei Du..."  

...Yes. Yes, that is exactly what I mean. And I can hardly find the words.

"Well, we can pray in German. You had better lead though, because I don't know if I remember the last part."

And I can't believe that we're praying together over our food in German, and part of my heart is singing at how homey it all feels. It's a good thing the German comes as second nature because I don't know if English would have come so easily in that moment.

Less than a week later we're sitting at a different table, with different food, but a look passes between us and he bows his head and starts saying the words. My Daddy's words, and the words of past years long gone. He's leading this time, confidant and sure. And as we pray for Christ's blessings on our food I'm praying a silent prayer that His blessings be on this, whatever this is.

And that second prayer continues to grow.

"Komm, Herr Jesu, sei Du unser Gast, und segna, was Du uns bescheret hast. Amen."

I got my memories always inside of me...

Well, it's almost the end of the semester. Crazy. So. A list of things I am going to miss in each class is needed.

1. Poetry Writing. I'm going to miss Lisa, and the awkward pauses right after I would finish reading a poem. While they were uncomfortable, but I'm glad she let the rest and settle in before speaking, they allowed for growth in me--silence is more than okay. I'm going to miss sitting in the "dungeon" listening to poetry for hours...and seeing how everyone's style is different, but it's still poetry. And I'm going to miss Daniel Brown--because he is an old soul in a young body and tried to write to the style of Tolkien, and that just made me happy. I'll never forget him telling me, "The chinese don't capitalize 'I' either...they use characters, they don't capitalize any words," and then hearing him laugh. That was a good day. And I'm never going to forget Lisa telling me on the last day while I hugged her, "You have strong arms." For a minute I thought maybe I had squeezed her too hard, but really I think she meant that they can hold a lot--she was speaking metaphorically, really I'm a whimp. Poetry was the class that soothed me back into a sense of calm (most days, when I was arguing poetic devices with one of my classmates). I'm even going to miss that bickering...mostly because I "won" nearly everytime, and the times I didn't it just wasn't concluded and neither of us "won."

2. British Literature III. I'm going to miss Dr. Ashby. She's a tough professor, but I appreciate the way she pushed us to learn more and see more than just the surface of the material. And I will miss walking over to Jesse with her after class occasionally. I will never forget the day she told me she didn't like James Joyce either...and that the modernists were all arrogant. She was one of the most helpful professors when I was preparing to present at that theology conference. "Remember to breathe." A simple instruction, but crucial. And I feel like I owe her something, but I'm not sure what it is. I really should sit down and just talk to her sometime.

3. Ling and Lang. Dr. Gernant. I could probably leave it at that, because how does one describe her? Not easily, that's for sure. I'm going to miss how much she pushed us as a class, and myself as an individual. I learned so much that sometimes it made my head hurt--and in a good way. There are so many wonderful people in that class, it's going to be weird not seeing them so much, especially those that are graduating. Mostly, I'm going to miss talking about language being nerdy about linguistics in a safe environment.

4. Global Issues. Well... I'm going to miss doing homework for other classes in that class. Ha. Oh, and I'll miss talking to Austin and my other table-mates. They're all pretty much awesome.

5. Reading Interests of the Adolescents. I'm going to miss my table-mates in that class too... it's been so great to be able to talk with all of them. I'm going to miss Dylan's singing terribly, it always made me smile. There were so many silly things said in that room... I'll miss those quirks.

6. Independent Study on "The Lord of the Rings." Wow. Mostly, I'm going to miss having meetings with Dr. Thurber. Sitting in his office, talking about one of my favorite series of all time, was simply put: epic. He and I connect when trying to communicate, and that makes me happy. I'll miss reading Tolkien for homework. I'll miss being totally submerged in super-nerdom.

I had some great classes this semester. And I've had some wonderful times with friends. I'm going to miss Monday nights with Andrew, Tuesday afternoons with Heather and Heidi, Tuesday evenings with Claire, Wednesday evenings with Claire, Thursday evenings with the Office-watching crew, and Friday nights with my roommate. And all my other friends too.

Yes, I will even miss my dorm room.

"But I can't go back to how it was. I believe now I've come too far, now I can't go back, back to how it was. Created for a place I've never known--this is home." [Switchfoot]

I have things to do...

And when I say that, I fidget nervously with the ring on my right hand. Sometimes I'll take it off and fiddle with it. Yes, I have a Bilbo issue. Fortunately, my ring does not do any special magic tricks. Even though, when I'm really stressed out, sometimes I wish I could just disappear and go kick it with Elrond...or Aragorn...yeah, I would kick it with Aragorn any day of the week.

The irony? I'm taking an independent study on The Lord of the Rings and if you've been reading my blog for very long, you probably already got that impression, I may have even mentioned it. So part of what's adding to my stress is that I need, no, I have to read the books. No biggie, I love reading. And then you add to that the other two lit classes. I have things to do!

Now, part of the beauty of this independent study is that I get to write about themes of hope versus despair for a theology conference, and my primary text is The Lord of the Rings. So I get to submerge myself in the land of Middle Earth. And all I have to ask is, "Where in the world did March go?"

April is a pretty awesome month, I mean, it's birthday central for my family! But then, so is March. And April also marks the last month before school is out...before finals week. yikes. It should be a happy thing, right? And it is...but good grief, I need to finish chillin' out with Free Folk of Middle Earth! And that needs to happen before April 9, really. That's next weekend. Woah. This is where I pass out, and try to plead mental illness for taking on so much this semester.


I also have presentations galore in the next few days.

All that to say, I may not be blogging as much in April. I mean, I would love to be blogging, but I need to have some self control so I can get things done. I should be popping in once and again, hopefully.

And so, I slip the Ring on my finger, and I disappear! (but not really, because this is my metaphorical Rivendel.)

"'I pass the test,' she said. 'I will diminish, and go into the West, and remain Galadriel.'" [Galadriel]