Says She's Got Hope...

The month of February was a rough one. I wish I could say it was just me, but it isn't. If I were the only one struggling it would have been more bearable, but nearly everyone I interact with was having some kind of problem too.

Really, it all started to unravel the week of Valentine's Day. Please don't take this as a single hating on the holiday devoted to couples--it's not. I really have no problem with Valentine's Day, except that it means there is way too much chocolate just floating around. In fact, I was even determined to have a good February 14th because, honestly, the week before had been awful for some people and I didn't want the trend to continue.

I went to bed that Monday praying I would get a letter from a graduate program. In my dreams I would be accepted into the Literature program at my top choice of school. It would be a day to write home about.

Well. I did call home, several times that day, but it had nothing to do with grad school letters. I was having some chest pain that was worrisome. I spent Valentine's Day morning in and out of various medical locations. Alone. (And I wasn't pining for a special someone, I just wanted my momma.)

A couple days later (Thursday) I had mail. An envelope from my preferred school. It was small, average letter size. Why do we put so much of our fate into the seals of envelopes? Inside was a perfectly creased rejection letter. My heart sank, and all through my British Literature class I was distracted. At one point, my professor called on me, and I scrambled to find the answer to a question I hardly heard. When I apologized after class for being distracted I cried. In front of a professor, whom I love but have no emotional connection with, I cried.

Since that day I've been riddled with thoughts of rejection, and in the back of my mind I can hear Professor Reek chanting, "They don't know what they're missing!" But as the days go on, his voice fades away and I'm left alone with the self doubt. What if I didn't get into the literature program because I'm not ready? I'm not passionate enough? I don't have what it takes?

This last week I found out I didn't get into one of the Creative Writing programs I applied to...and the questions started up again. (It was even the program that I was least interested in, and I still got upset about it.) Maybe this is all God's way of telling me that I picked the wrong career path.

That's just my stuff. And my stuff this month seems pretty lame compared to every thing else that my friends are going through.

I've started drinking tea again--like, every night and day. I also turned on some Anberlin. I don't know why I forget that they are one of the few bands that lets me wallow for a little while before convincing me it's time to get back up again. I need to put that in a hubby letter, something like this: "When I'm upset or depressed, put on some Anberlin and it will probably be okay in a few hours." (This rut is taking longer than a few hours to work myself out of.)

This will be a better month. March means spring is coming, and spring means there is hope.

"You're so brilliant. Don't soon forget. You're so brilliant. Grace marks your heart." [Anberlin, The Unwinding Cable Car]

We're crying for them, come back home...

So, I'm writing this book called "The Broken Glass." For my playwriting class last semester I wrote a ten minute play based on the first chapter. After I have it all done, I think it would be fun to write a script for the whole thing... a screenplay. And there are a few songs that I just think would be great in the movie someday, if it ever happens. Which, lets be honest, isn't likely. But if my brother gets into the film business like he wants maybe I'll have a chance.

"The Broken Glass" is about a young air force family. Kadience and Cameron Leigh have a little girl named Madison and a new baby on the way. Kadience is shocked by the news that Cameron has gone missing in action. The book is mostly about her coping with the help of an old friend, Landon Benson. It is written in third person, but there are letters scattered throughout. I don't want to give away the end... but I'm really excited about it. I have a long way to go, but once I really get trekking on it, it shouldn't take me terribly long to get it written out. I have the beginning and end all figured out, I just need the in between.

So, here are some songs that I definitely want in the soundtrack...who knows if it will actually happen, but it would be awesome.

Benjamin by Sanctus Real

Behind the Scenes by Francesca Battistelli

Tears of the Saints by Leeland

You should look 'em up, they're pretty fantastic.

"Father, we will lead them home. Father, we will lead them home." [Leeland]