Like butter scraped over too much bread...

What am I doing tonight?

On the floor, on my stomach, typing away at Morning Star -- there's an engagement! I'm excited that such an emotional scene last night could evolve into something so expected, but not at that moment. It's all about timing. I'm sipping coffee, writing, and yes, half watching Magnum PI.

And you know what? I have a headache. Normally I'm pretty decent at multitasking, but I'm not tonight. My brain isn't keeping up with what I want to be doing. Part of that is from lack of sleep--I was up rather late last night, writing. The night is still young though, and so I'm looking for ways to keep myself awake. (Hence the decaf coffee. I know, it's decaf, but it's hot.)

I started a new workout program this week, and I'm really excited about it. But it's way more intense than what I had been doing, and so I'm a little sore in the shoulders. And I've been having chronic stomach pain every evening. (Just a general ickyness.)

Then there's the upcoming GRE. That's got me more than just a little stressed out. Last night, a friend reminded me that not all colleges care about this test. In fact, the school I'm most interested in said that it wasn't a requirement, but what recommended. Why am I taking it then? Hopefully I'll do well on it. I need to study. I mean, I really need to buckle down and study. There are so many other things that occupy my mind though... I know that while I'm testing I'll start thinking about Elves and Fantasy worlds... but I should study anyway, and put forth a strong effort.

I also didn't get a letter in the mail on time today. And that upsets me. When did I start slacking with putting letters in the mailbox? That's not even the worst of it, I have letters backed up waiting for responses from the end of June. I should do that. I really should, and I know I should. So why haven't I?

There are pictures that need to be taken. I need to get my Etsy account all squared away with product pictures. Maybe my cousin will be a bag model for me...I'll have to call her sometime soon.

And now I am indescribably thankful that I did not get a job this summer.

Nerd factor of the night: I'm drinking coffee from a Lord of the Rings mug...that I designed. It's pretty sweet, not going to lie.

"You don't even have to talk about what you're talking about. If you know what I mean." [Magnum PI]

There is a voice that cries out in the silence...

I don't know what's wrong with me.

Earlier today I felt very excited and I was just in a silly mood. There was no reason for it, except that the sun was shining and it was actually warm. It was starting to feel like spring.

And tonight? I just feel like... crying. But I can't. Because I don't want my roommate to think there's something wrong with me.

There has been a lot going on lately, things I can't go into detail here.

I'm just confused about what I'm supposed to be doing, and where I'm supposed to be going. I thought I had a clear vision for myself...and now I'm not so sure. Where is this doubt coming from? I'm not ready to be grown up... am I?

I'm tired of people trying to put me in a box. "You're not the only one I do ______ for." Obviously. I would never assume that kind of special treatment. I'm actually getting tired of sarcasm. I never thought that day would come.

And I'm a lot more fragile than I ever thought I was. And I don't like this mask I'm putting up; it's not very good anyway. I want to be happy and light-hearted all the time. 

What a start to a new year.

"I'm not talking to you. You just confuse me when you show up." [Thomas Magnum]