You'll See My Heart in the Saddest State It's Ever Been

I want to start writing again. And I don't mean the occasional paper for class. (And by occasional I mean biweekly.)

For my Language and Linguistics class we've been reading a lot of articles on gender/sexuality in language. It's been really interesting... and included a lot of feminist writers. Now, I'm not a feminist, not in the contemporary sense of the word, but some of the things made a lot of sense. (Some of it was also totally ridiculous, but that happens.) One of the writers talked about writing being a way of release for women. The idea is that women have been suppressed and that they are forced to use the language of men (the gender, not the race). She issues a call for women to write, but the unfortunate thing is that women still have to write in this language that has suppressed them. (Whatever, I think women get the better end of that deal, maybe I'll elaborate on that later.) The point of this massive paragraph is this: I want to write to give my heart a little release from whatever has been weighing it down.

I just finished reading "The Absolutely True Diary of a Part-Time Indian" by Sherman Alexie. And it was really legitimate. I went in with some hesitation, expecting some white hatred or something... but that wasn't what happened it all. In fact, this may have been one of my favorite books about racial issues. But in this book the main character transfers from a reservation school to an all white school.

I feel like an Indian at a school of whites. Everyone here is connected somehow. It's crazy. And they all have stories about people they now. And I can't decide if it's dwelling on the past or if it's just a camaraderie. Either way... I feel like an outsider. I'm the non-Lutheran looking in... and yes, there are people who don't care... but there are jokes that I will never get.

In Young Adult Lit we read "The Book Thief." And we find out that the protagonist, Liesel, is Lutheran. This is what I wrote after that was announced to the class:
'Liesel is Lutheran.'
A murmur. Like these is a deep secret, a deep understanding. One I am not invited to know. A murmur. It resonates deep within my self. A murmur. A murmur.
There is a murmur in my heart.

"All along I was looking for something else, You're something else. All along I was looking for something more, You're so much more. I finally found what I could never see before. You've always been the one that I was looking for." [Remedy Drive]