And I'm finally able to get a glimpse of why. Things are making sense now that didn't fit before. Some of the changes that our family underwent my senior year of high school finally have a more definite purpose.
Last weekend, we found out that some of our family friends have decided to be full time missionaries in Zambia, Africa. The parents will hopefully move out there in a year. I'm fairly certain that three of them will live out there during next summer, and one will at least visit. (Of course that's a year from now, so the summer plans could change as far as logistics go.)
I'm excited for them. They went on a mission trip to Zambia this summer and it solidified this idea that they had had of becoming missionaries. They only have one kid left in high school, and he'll be graduating this year. The timing couldn't be more ideal--there won't be any kids in the house, they don't have grandkids yet. They'll be signing on for a five year contract, and then they'll see from there.
When they told us, it was all I could do to not start crying. When you're friends with an entire family it's hard to say good bye to any one, let alone two.
I'm anxious to see how God works through this, in both their lives and in their friends here.
God is working big things this week, period.
I was also asked if I would be willing to help our youth pastor put together a youth conference. This will be a glimpse of my future. I couldn't be more excited.
Starting this Sunday I will also be teaching children's church for kindergarten and first grade.
"He gives and takes away."
Wednesday, June 29, 2011
Sunday, June 19, 2011
If a double decker bus crashes into us...
Yesterday was a day of firsts. And it is here that I want to immortalize them.
1. The Wedding
No, no, I didn't get married. My brother was hired to do the videography of a wedding at our church. He needed an assistant, and I was happy to oblige. I love weddings! Drinks all around! (And by "drinks" I mean punch of the nonalcoholic variety.) It was a good experience, if not a little strange. (We didn't know the bride, and only recognized the groom as someone I thought was already married.) The bride asked me, "So, are you teaching him?" HA! No...I'm the assistant. I'm just doing what he tells me to do. Although, I have been to a lot more weddings than he has, so it was good that I was there and knew what to expect for certain things.
2. Buying an R-rated Movie
That's right, I bought my first R-rated movie. But it wasn't for me, it was for my dad. It was a western that we had watched in a hotel room while we were on vacation a few years ago: "Open Range." It was good, and we couldn't believe that it was rated R. Walmart had it for a good deal. So, it was my first time getting carded for something other than glue at a craft store. The cashier lady wasn't going to check my ID, and then she looked at me and said, "Yeah, you look young. I'll need to see your ID. ... How old are you anyway?" 20 "Oh, sorry."
3. The Car Accident
After we went to Walmart, Josef and I went to our cousin's house to celebrate her parents' 30th wedding anniversary. It was great to sit and visit with family. We didn't leave until around 10 pm. It's a strange thing, really.
Driving along, going the speed limit (I was actively fighting my lead-foot condition), leaving the radio off to sing a cappella with my little brother, and then seeing a turn signal from my right on a one-way street. My spot in the left lane was suddenly threatened. I think I said aloud, "What are they doing? Oh, crap!" And my feet were doing their own thing, and my hands yanked the wheel left, into the parking spaces. Still, there was the impact, did I blink?
I stopped the car, turned the blinkers on--why did I think of that and not the horn when it could have really mattered? I've never been closer to swearing in my entire life, and I admit that I said the Lord's name in vain, "Oh my God, what just happened?" I could say it was a prayer, but that would be a lie.
I knew Dad was behind me in the truck, did he see what happened? Would he stop? When I opened my car door, and Josef got out of his side--the side of impact--my only thought was of my dad. I didn't walk around the car to assess the damage, maybe I didn't want to see. I didn't ask Josef if he was okay, the only think I told him was to stay by the car. (He was obviously okay; walking and talking, just as shaken as me.)
Then I was walking down the middle of the road, yelling for my dad, "Daddy! He just freakin' hit me!" Really, I was screaming, unbelieving of what just happened, needing to know it was okay. Thank God I was still wearing heals, they slowed me down, and before I could continue yelling I realized what I was doing and shut my mouth, letting the screams die in my throat and prevent further damage.
I'm not sure how, but it didn't take me long to catch up to him, and I was holding his hand, walking towards the other car; the car that I thought was going to drive away. (No fear, their bumper and license plate was in the middle of the intersection.) But they didn't. I saw the woman get out of the car, and Mom was on 911. The passenger of the other vehicle started running after we all confirmed we were unhurt. Mom told the dispatcher, they were ready to chase him down, but he was just going to get her boyfriend, whom she was going to see.
All the while, I wanted to yell at her and ask her what she was thinking; turning left from the right lane on a one way. But I didn't. I was shaking--a result of one of the biggest adrenaline rushes I have ever had. Mom asked me if I was okay once she was done on the phone. I wasn't as upset as much as I was angry. And I wanted to cry, felt like I should cry, but I didn't. She was the one to go back and confirm that Josef was okay. I was the last person to look at the damage. I saw the bumper in the road of the other vehicle, and I didn't want to face what I was sure to be a disaster.
Thankfully: Nobody was hurt except her car and Jimmy (our car). The lady was insured. She confirmed what Josef told the cop. The cop called the towing company. God gave me enough grace to shut my mouth and just be quiet after that initial outburst. Mom and Dad were driving behind us. My Daddy has strong hands, able to hold his little girl's while I faced one of the worst "firsts" of the year.
It was almost midnight by the time we got home. But sleep wouldn't find me for several hours.
"To die by your side, what a heavenly way to die." [Cover by Anberlin]
1. The Wedding
No, no, I didn't get married. My brother was hired to do the videography of a wedding at our church. He needed an assistant, and I was happy to oblige. I love weddings! Drinks all around! (And by "drinks" I mean punch of the nonalcoholic variety.) It was a good experience, if not a little strange. (We didn't know the bride, and only recognized the groom as someone I thought was already married.) The bride asked me, "So, are you teaching him?" HA! No...I'm the assistant. I'm just doing what he tells me to do. Although, I have been to a lot more weddings than he has, so it was good that I was there and knew what to expect for certain things.
2. Buying an R-rated Movie
That's right, I bought my first R-rated movie. But it wasn't for me, it was for my dad. It was a western that we had watched in a hotel room while we were on vacation a few years ago: "Open Range." It was good, and we couldn't believe that it was rated R. Walmart had it for a good deal. So, it was my first time getting carded for something other than glue at a craft store. The cashier lady wasn't going to check my ID, and then she looked at me and said, "Yeah, you look young. I'll need to see your ID. ... How old are you anyway?" 20 "Oh, sorry."
3. The Car Accident
After we went to Walmart, Josef and I went to our cousin's house to celebrate her parents' 30th wedding anniversary. It was great to sit and visit with family. We didn't leave until around 10 pm. It's a strange thing, really.
Driving along, going the speed limit (I was actively fighting my lead-foot condition), leaving the radio off to sing a cappella with my little brother, and then seeing a turn signal from my right on a one-way street. My spot in the left lane was suddenly threatened. I think I said aloud, "What are they doing? Oh, crap!" And my feet were doing their own thing, and my hands yanked the wheel left, into the parking spaces. Still, there was the impact, did I blink?
I stopped the car, turned the blinkers on--why did I think of that and not the horn when it could have really mattered? I've never been closer to swearing in my entire life, and I admit that I said the Lord's name in vain, "Oh my God, what just happened?" I could say it was a prayer, but that would be a lie.
I knew Dad was behind me in the truck, did he see what happened? Would he stop? When I opened my car door, and Josef got out of his side--the side of impact--my only thought was of my dad. I didn't walk around the car to assess the damage, maybe I didn't want to see. I didn't ask Josef if he was okay, the only think I told him was to stay by the car. (He was obviously okay; walking and talking, just as shaken as me.)
Then I was walking down the middle of the road, yelling for my dad, "Daddy! He just freakin' hit me!" Really, I was screaming, unbelieving of what just happened, needing to know it was okay. Thank God I was still wearing heals, they slowed me down, and before I could continue yelling I realized what I was doing and shut my mouth, letting the screams die in my throat and prevent further damage.
I'm not sure how, but it didn't take me long to catch up to him, and I was holding his hand, walking towards the other car; the car that I thought was going to drive away. (No fear, their bumper and license plate was in the middle of the intersection.) But they didn't. I saw the woman get out of the car, and Mom was on 911. The passenger of the other vehicle started running after we all confirmed we were unhurt. Mom told the dispatcher, they were ready to chase him down, but he was just going to get her boyfriend, whom she was going to see.
All the while, I wanted to yell at her and ask her what she was thinking; turning left from the right lane on a one way. But I didn't. I was shaking--a result of one of the biggest adrenaline rushes I have ever had. Mom asked me if I was okay once she was done on the phone. I wasn't as upset as much as I was angry. And I wanted to cry, felt like I should cry, but I didn't. She was the one to go back and confirm that Josef was okay. I was the last person to look at the damage. I saw the bumper in the road of the other vehicle, and I didn't want to face what I was sure to be a disaster.
Thankfully: Nobody was hurt except her car and Jimmy (our car). The lady was insured. She confirmed what Josef told the cop. The cop called the towing company. God gave me enough grace to shut my mouth and just be quiet after that initial outburst. Mom and Dad were driving behind us. My Daddy has strong hands, able to hold his little girl's while I faced one of the worst "firsts" of the year.
It was almost midnight by the time we got home. But sleep wouldn't find me for several hours.
"To die by your side, what a heavenly way to die." [Cover by Anberlin]
Tuesday, June 7, 2011
Were hearts made whole just to break?
Rejection. It's been the tune of my summer. And believe me when I say that this has nothing to do with romance, again. No, it's something a little more shallow, but still a bit painful.
I've been filling out job applications like no one's business. To no avail. Either I don't meet the requirements (how do I not make the requirements at a bookstore?) or they aren't hiring (even though they're handing out applications like cheap candy).
Now, I suspect the requirements I'm not making having something to do with going back to school in the Fall. Who would have thought that going to college would cost me job opportunities? Didn't think of that negative.
Who would have a big sign when you walk into their store: "Pick up your application today!" if they weren't actually hiring? Talk about false hope...
As bitter as I am about this this morning, it has given me a lot to think about. How could the constant "no" be teaching me? What should I be learning from this experience?
Well, when I get to graduate school applications I probably (and by "probably" I mean "definitely wont") get into every school I apply to. And when I am in grad school not everyone will like my writing style or subject matters. When I get to the publishing world, not every agent will like my stuff. And when I have an agent, not every publisher will like my story. When I get a publisher, not every editor will be helpful. When I'm done editing and book is published, not every reader will enjoy my fantasy either. There will always be disappointments.
Perhaps this summer I am learning to handle those issues. I am preparing for my life. Why didn't anyone tell me the start pistol had fired?
I'm going to leave you with a short poem I wrote last night, when I was trying to work out the next seen in Morning Star. It's just a ditty, really, it needs work. But it's a start.
It is not for lack of paper,
That I do not write.
I have drawer upon drawer
Of books waiting to be written.
It is not for lack of heart,
That my voice is silent.
I have tear after tear,
Of love and pain to be heard.
It is for lack of courage,
That I shrivel in fear.
But stand up,
Silent poet,
Be strong.
Well, when I get to graduate school applications I probably (and by "probably" I mean "definitely wont") get into every school I apply to. And when I am in grad school not everyone will like my writing style or subject matters. When I get to the publishing world, not every agent will like my stuff. And when I have an agent, not every publisher will like my story. When I get a publisher, not every editor will be helpful. When I'm done editing and book is published, not every reader will enjoy my fantasy either. There will always be disappointments.
Perhaps this summer I am learning to handle those issues. I am preparing for my life. Why didn't anyone tell me the start pistol had fired?
I'm going to leave you with a short poem I wrote last night, when I was trying to work out the next seen in Morning Star. It's just a ditty, really, it needs work. But it's a start.
It is not for lack of paper,
That I do not write.
I have drawer upon drawer
Of books waiting to be written.
It is not for lack of heart,
That my voice is silent.
I have tear after tear,
Of love and pain to be heard.
It is for lack of courage,
That I shrivel in fear.
But stand up,
Silent poet,
Be strong.
Friday, June 3, 2011
A whole new world...
There is nothing romantic about this post, don't let the title deceive you.
This is something far stranger. Something I didn't think would ever happen. But it has. And I feel inclined with those here to share it. Yes.
I have had a YouTube account for some time now. Mostly, I just favorite videos so I can watch them whenever I want without having to go through a search process. Today, that changed.
My brother and I have been toying with the idea of making Vlogs together. This idea is still in the works. If we do, he'll be the one editing the things and making the presentable in an awesome way. I, on the other hand, will simply say stupid things. Ha.
Well, I decided this morning that I kind of wanted to start Vlogging... and I don't really know why. It should be interesting though. I'm hoping it will help me speak more clearly...maybe.
Anyways, check out my new Channel! Enjoy! Uh... like it, subscribe to it, whatever you want. :)
(And Sara, I know, I said I would never do this...but as the cliche goes, never say never.)
This is something far stranger. Something I didn't think would ever happen. But it has. And I feel inclined with those here to share it. Yes.
I have had a YouTube account for some time now. Mostly, I just favorite videos so I can watch them whenever I want without having to go through a search process. Today, that changed.
My brother and I have been toying with the idea of making Vlogs together. This idea is still in the works. If we do, he'll be the one editing the things and making the presentable in an awesome way. I, on the other hand, will simply say stupid things. Ha.
Well, I decided this morning that I kind of wanted to start Vlogging... and I don't really know why. It should be interesting though. I'm hoping it will help me speak more clearly...maybe.
Anyways, check out my new Channel! Enjoy! Uh... like it, subscribe to it, whatever you want. :)
(And Sara, I know, I said I would never do this...but as the cliche goes, never say never.)
"I love Greek!"
Thursday, June 2, 2011
Please leave a message after the tone...
Pocket dialing. It's a problem. And one I apparently have.
I miss my flip phone because it never pulled the mutiny card and called my speed-dial contacts.
Though, these unfortunate occurrences have had some benefits.
The Monday after Easter, I accidently called Oma. (For you non-German speakers, it's my dad's mom, or my gramma.) We had an interesting game of phone tag. She called me back, but I missed the call. So, I called her, and when she answered she asked me what I needed....I told her I was just returning her call. And then I started laughing when she said that I had called her first. Strange, but it did allow for me to talk to her on the phone, something I don't normally do.
I made my dad laugh last week because I called him on accident. He didn't realize until he had a missed called. When he asked me about it, I told him I hadn't meant to call him at all. Instead of being annoyed, he just smiled and thanked me for making him chuckle. (He still has a flip phone, so does not understand how this could happen.)
Kate probably gets the worst of it. I probably pocket dial her at least once a month. (If you read this Kate, I'm sorry, I don't know why my pocket dialing skills like 5 so much.) It's always a great conversation starter. "Hey, you called me earlier, but it was just noise. I figured I was in your pocket." Yes. And then we talk about her impending wedding. (Which is really weird because she's younger than I, but I'm happy for her as well.)
Why am I thinking about this today? Because my beautiful roommate, LeAnn, called me today. And I answered, ecstatic. "LEANN!" ... "You called me, like, twice." Oh. Ha. My bad. "I just wanted to make sure you weren't dying or anything." But now we have a phone date on Saturday, at 6am. Ha. (Just kidding, I think?) I guess we'll find out if she calls me at 6am.
The stupid thing? I can hardly get my key pad to unlock when I want it to. I don't know why it is so good at unlocking when I don't want it to.
I miss my flip phone.
"TobyMac can't get to the phone, please leave a message, please leave a message!" [TrueDog]
I miss my flip phone because it never pulled the mutiny card and called my speed-dial contacts.
Though, these unfortunate occurrences have had some benefits.
The Monday after Easter, I accidently called Oma. (For you non-German speakers, it's my dad's mom, or my gramma.) We had an interesting game of phone tag. She called me back, but I missed the call. So, I called her, and when she answered she asked me what I needed....I told her I was just returning her call. And then I started laughing when she said that I had called her first. Strange, but it did allow for me to talk to her on the phone, something I don't normally do.
I made my dad laugh last week because I called him on accident. He didn't realize until he had a missed called. When he asked me about it, I told him I hadn't meant to call him at all. Instead of being annoyed, he just smiled and thanked me for making him chuckle. (He still has a flip phone, so does not understand how this could happen.)
Kate probably gets the worst of it. I probably pocket dial her at least once a month. (If you read this Kate, I'm sorry, I don't know why my pocket dialing skills like 5 so much.) It's always a great conversation starter. "Hey, you called me earlier, but it was just noise. I figured I was in your pocket." Yes. And then we talk about her impending wedding. (Which is really weird because she's younger than I, but I'm happy for her as well.)
Why am I thinking about this today? Because my beautiful roommate, LeAnn, called me today. And I answered, ecstatic. "LEANN!" ... "You called me, like, twice." Oh. Ha. My bad. "I just wanted to make sure you weren't dying or anything." But now we have a phone date on Saturday, at 6am. Ha. (Just kidding, I think?) I guess we'll find out if she calls me at 6am.
The stupid thing? I can hardly get my key pad to unlock when I want it to. I don't know why it is so good at unlocking when I don't want it to.
I miss my flip phone.
"TobyMac can't get to the phone, please leave a message, please leave a message!" [TrueDog]
Wednesday, June 1, 2011
And I know You are everything to me...
So many things I could write about, and yet nothing.
This heart is bursting at the seams with all manners of stories.
It hears those written by others--I do so enjoy reading for pleasure and not having to analyze every detail, but instead allowing the pieces to slip together. These very pieces slip into my dreams.
It hears the story I write, anxious for me to put the pen to the page. There are voices of character so loud, Why do you fight a war that isn't your own! And then there are those that whisper, and pray that I will hear, I just want someone to share this burden with me... So I try to figure out how the pieces go together, unable to simply be passive and let it happen. I must actively pursue the thoughts so they can take form. And yet I cannot shape them into something they are not. These shadows of forms-to-be also permeate my sleep.
It hears also my story, the one I live day to day. The one that makes less sense than anything else in the world. There are many questions that I may never know the answers to. But those silences allow me to let my faith grow. Indeed, I must as actively pursue that growth as any other thing. There are things that take my attention, but nothing should utterly distract me to kill this thing that is trying to grow wings.
And I hear my own voice echo my characters, Have I lost my own voice? I don't even know my own voice anymore. It is a strange thing, to imagine a character that hears voices in her head, because then you must also, and you already have her voice in your mind, and all of her real friends too. But I have not lost myself because I have not lost the most important voice of all.
So many voices. And still, I hear one that cries out in my noise. It cries in a whisper. A still, small Voice. All these stories, and I can still keep my eyes fixed on the One story that means the world--it means everything.
"So many voices in my head. I need You, oh I need You. I'm not going to walk away. You've got to take my hand today. Would You open my eyes. Would You take me by the hand. When I'm running through the storm, I will trust in You." [Inhabited]
This heart is bursting at the seams with all manners of stories.
It hears those written by others--I do so enjoy reading for pleasure and not having to analyze every detail, but instead allowing the pieces to slip together. These very pieces slip into my dreams.
It hears the story I write, anxious for me to put the pen to the page. There are voices of character so loud, Why do you fight a war that isn't your own! And then there are those that whisper, and pray that I will hear, I just want someone to share this burden with me... So I try to figure out how the pieces go together, unable to simply be passive and let it happen. I must actively pursue the thoughts so they can take form. And yet I cannot shape them into something they are not. These shadows of forms-to-be also permeate my sleep.
It hears also my story, the one I live day to day. The one that makes less sense than anything else in the world. There are many questions that I may never know the answers to. But those silences allow me to let my faith grow. Indeed, I must as actively pursue that growth as any other thing. There are things that take my attention, but nothing should utterly distract me to kill this thing that is trying to grow wings.
And I hear my own voice echo my characters, Have I lost my own voice? I don't even know my own voice anymore. It is a strange thing, to imagine a character that hears voices in her head, because then you must also, and you already have her voice in your mind, and all of her real friends too. But I have not lost myself because I have not lost the most important voice of all.
So many voices. And still, I hear one that cries out in my noise. It cries in a whisper. A still, small Voice. All these stories, and I can still keep my eyes fixed on the One story that means the world--it means everything.
"So many voices in my head. I need You, oh I need You. I'm not going to walk away. You've got to take my hand today. Would You open my eyes. Would You take me by the hand. When I'm running through the storm, I will trust in You." [Inhabited]
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